How the Wise One Grows

Softening As We Grow with Emma Hern (50)

April 26, 2023 Holly Zajur Season 1 Episode 50
How the Wise One Grows
Softening As We Grow with Emma Hern (50)
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Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

How the Wise One Grows is officially one year old!! We are celebrating with a special one-year check-in episode with my best friend AND we made it extra fun by wheel-throwing during our conversation! 

In this episode, we talk about how this last year has been, the physical symptoms of pushing too hard, how to bring yourself back when you fall off course, and our intentions for the year ahead. 

  • Reflecting on the first year of HTWOG podcast [06:29]
  • Who are you if you take your work away?[18:10]
  • Physical symptoms of pushing too hard [33:50]
  • Getting back on track when you fall off course [41:47]
  • Grounding intentions for this moment [55:00]

Episode References:
Episode 12: The Power of Female Friendship with Emma Hern
Youtube Wheel Throwing Video
Episode 19: Overcoming Doubt in the Creative Process with Jada and David

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Episode sponsored by Connect Wellness. Connect Wellness empowers people with tools to connect with themselves, others, and the present moment.

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00:00:00:13 - 00:00:36:02

Hello, everyone, and welcome back. I am extra excited today because as you are listening, we are at episode 50. That's right. 5-0 and officially one full year of How the Wise One Grows podcast. We're one year old. I'm so excited. But truly I cannot thank each and every one of you who has listened to this podcast over the last year for being a part of this journey with me.

00:00:37:10 - 00:01:05:06

Each of these conversations that we've had has helped me grow so much as a person, and I quite honestly feel like a much different person than the girl who started this podcast a year ago. And that's a tribute to the growth we've been doing together collectively. So thank you. Thank you for having these conversations with me. Thank you for holding this space.

00:01:05:11 - 00:01:38:01

Thank you for every listen, every share, every comment, every review. This podcast means the world to me. You mean the world to me. And I can't wait to continue growing with you. So to celebrate, I thought the best way would be to do a special one a year check in with my best friend Emma, who we talked to in episode 12, and we decided to make it extra fun by we'll throwing during our conversation.

00:01:38:15 - 00:02:15:22

So both Emma and I are potters and have been doing ceramics together since high school. And if you watch on YouTube there's a link in the show notes. You can watch us create pots during this conversation and I thought it would be a wonderful opportunity to give away one of the pieces of pottery created during this conversation. So all you have to do to enter is lever a view for this podcast on your favorite streaming platform and you get a bonus entry if you leave a review on Apple Podcasts.

00:02:16:10 - 00:03:01:04

So at the beginning, because we are we are throwing and I have some old clunky wheels, you'll hear some rougher clay sound, but I promise it gets better throughout the conversation. So keep listening. And this is a really good one you don't want to miss. Yeah. Oh yeah. We're just going to do it. You ready? Hi, everyone. Welcome back to How the is Grows.

00:03:02:04 - 00:03:26:01

Today's episode is a total experiment, and I'm glad that you are joining us because I'm with my best friend Emma, and I'm making her she too is a potter. So we're doing a clay conversation and we're celebrating one year of how the wise one grows with us. We are thriving, so I definitely recommend that you watch this on YouTube because it will be way more fun for you to watch.

00:03:26:01 - 00:03:48:11

There you might see Luna's butt in the camera good bit, which is double fun. Yeah, go over the YouTube. The link is in the show notes so you can watch us there and if you hear some weird we'll sounds, it's because we're making some pots. So before we get started, let's just take a moment to land together with three deep breaths.

00:03:49:08 - 00:04:33:18

So just notice now where your body touches the earth. Let your shoulders soft and down the back and inhale. Fill your chest, Fill your belly with air. Exhale. Open your mouth. Let it out again. Inhale chest and belly. Expand. Exhale. Open your mouth. Let it go. One more Inhale and exhale. And you can slowly open your eyes as you return to this space.

00:04:35:05 - 00:05:02:18

Hehe. So today we are in my sunroom with my best friend Emma Hern who you got to meet in episode 12 of season one. And we talked about the power of female friendship in that episode. But Emma is a huge part of why I started this podcast a year ago because she told me and we can just start throwing.

00:05:02:18 - 00:05:30:15

She told me to. I was in a place where I was feeling really low, feeling really down, like I knew it was time for some changes and transition, but I didn't really feel ready for that and I just felt stuck and like unsure of what to do, unsure of how to move. And Emma told me to just she wrote me a Christmas card and she said, Do what brings you joy?

00:05:30:20 - 00:06:01:20

Just follow the joy and the rest will will come. So that was what a big part of why I started this podcast was. I was just following the joy and letting the rest follow. So we're with my friend to you hear her music in this podcast and she's my constant inspiration and we're just going to like hang out and reflect on the last year together and you're just going to embrace all these crazy clay sounds and it's going to be great.

00:06:01:23 - 00:06:46:21

Yeah, I'm so happy to be here with my buddy. I'm so happy, and I think I'm kind of like turning the microphone around on her. Yes. This episode. So the only person I would really trust, you have to do that. So I feel like I'm just going to go ahead and we're just going to kind of reflect over what the last year has been like as you kind of focused on sparking that joy in your life and following that path and how that felt on your day to day life and how you're feeling about the podcast overall.

00:06:47:00 - 00:07:28:17

Yeah, thank you. I you know, we've talked about this, but I really feel like a different person than I was a year ago. And I have found it really interesting because not that much has changed, right? Like, I think when I started this podcast a year ago, I was also starting like really diving into the how the Whys one girl's book that I'm working on and in my head, you know, like the Saturn in me is like, I'm going to like have a number one podcast and a bestselling book and it's going to happen so fast.

00:07:28:18 - 00:08:02:08

I'm going to get all this external validation, and that's what's going to make me feel good inside. And over the last year and the intention, I kind of said at the beginning of this podcast was to grow slow and let it be about feeling authentic. And I feel like, you know, externally, again, like not that much has changed in the day to day.

00:08:02:20 - 00:08:31:23

You know, I'm still teaching for Connect Wellness and running those programs. I'm definitely putting a lot more time into podcasting, and that probably takes up the majority of my workday energy, which is amazing. Yeah, but inside I feel so different. Like I notice I feel so much more present, like I'm a lot less in my head. I feel a lot less anxious.

00:08:32:21 - 00:08:58:12

I overall, again, like, feel a lot less anxious, a lot more grounded and joyful. And I think the biggest part too, is when I notice myself, like falling off track, which I feel like I've been feeling really good and maybe the last two weeks, like I just started to feel a little more off again. Yeah, but the way I'm needing the discomfort is really different.

00:08:58:12 - 00:09:18:08

I'm just more taking a step back and being present with it and observing it versus like over identifying with it and getting so wrapped up in like, Oh, I'm feeling anxious. It must mean this or that or the other has to change. Like sometimes it's like, okay, it just stays here. Like I can be with anxiety and still be okay.

00:09:18:14 - 00:09:40:05

So like, hyper focusing on it. Yeah, I'm saying it. Yeah. Instead of like defining myself by it and like, just kind of seeing it as, like, that's just a voice that's here right now. I'll acknowledge her and I will ask her what she needs. Yeah. And then I'm not going to like I just know that that's not who I really am.

00:09:40:05 - 00:10:08:03

I'm this other place inside of me that's kind of witnessing that. What do you think helps that change? I think, you know, on some level, I've been thinking this about I think I have always put a lot of work into myself and like my definitely, yeah, in my intern all landscape. Yeah. So on some level, like you could have created a business out of it too.

00:10:08:03 - 00:10:27:11

Yeah. Out of constantly helping other people put in that work as well. Yeah. Like the things that, I mean that's what I love to do most is like the things that I, that help me be a person. I want to share those with others because being a person is really hard. So anything that's going to help you, I'm like, sign me up and I want to share it.

00:10:27:11 - 00:10:49:02

Yeah, but I think in like one level, I want to like acknowledge and be proud of the person who has put in a lot of hard work and dedication over a lot of years. Yeah. And then on the other hand, like definite changes I think I've made is like, I don't think I acknowledged how much COVID messed with me.

00:10:49:02 - 00:11:22:13

Yeah. And like, the way that it tore community away. Yeah, like pre-COVID I was teaching and in community like, so much. Yeah. Constantly. And then it all, it all really changed. And I will say, like in the last year, I've made a lot more intentional effort about not just like spending time with like family and friends, but more about like spending time in communities where I'm like deepening these parts of myself that are really important to me.

00:11:22:13 - 00:11:50:07

So like going to a weekly meditation group and discussion, going to a yoga studio and meditation group there as well, and really having people to having a sangha, having a community to like, grow and work through things with has been a big one. And then I think a lot of just like trial and error and listening to myself and being willing to try different things and like what works and what doesn't.

00:11:50:14 - 00:12:17:11

Do you think that like these communities, have you just found like that you're putting more of an emphasis on the ones that matter, or do you think like I feel like a lot of people through COVID have realized like that their time is really valuable and like if they have relationships or maybe they haven't changed with someone or they no longer feel connected to someone and they feel like, I don't know.

00:12:17:11 - 00:12:45:08

It's just that it's more important to really create time and space for the people that fill you up equally. Yeah. Do you feel like you've kind of stepped away from some of those relationships that aren't serving you anymore and you've stepped into the ones that are? I think so. I think I like I really love the people in my life a lot and even ones that like, maybe don't serve the ways I'm growing.

00:12:45:08 - 00:13:19:12

It's like people I still love and want to maintain a relationship with. I And there are some people you do let go of, but that hasn't totally been my experience. But I think I've been more okay with like missing out on friend things or like not doing things and like being more okay with the time and space that I feel like fills my energy and just not like having FOMO take over and like I feel like I still have the relationship that I had before.

00:13:19:16 - 00:13:41:02

Yeah, but I think honestly, I probably spend about the same amount of time with the people that I did before. Yeah, but the pressure is off and some it's a little less and that's okay too. But I don't feel like it's like you can't be in my life anymore scenario. It just kind of feels like I'm focusing on these things more and I'm really comfortable about it.

00:13:41:02 - 00:14:12:22

And I'm fortunate that these people in my life like, support it, you know? Yeah, yeah. I make sense. Yeah, I feel like I feel like people have just really like since COVID and I feel like we're still like figuring out how much we've been affected by kind of this, like, great pause. Like, I've noticed that like a lot, even in my own, like sphere of, in the music industry that like if somebody is like, oh, I don't go on until 9 p.m., I'm like, Oh man, I'm so late.

00:14:13:13 - 00:14:38:04

Even though, yeah, dude, that has to be really hard in the music. And yeah, I think like ticket sales, all of that, people are just like they've, they've become comfortable with, with spending more time alone. Yeah. You know, or just in more of like a calm environment instead of like constantly needing that whatever thing that's on their schedule, you know.

00:14:38:14 - 00:14:57:06

Yeah. I think there has been a big shift in that and I think some are a lot positive, like people being, you know, having less. I feel like, I mean my like weekly calendar, I feel like pre-COVID every night of the week, there would be like something it would either be I was teaching or we had like a dinner with friends or like something.

00:14:57:07 - 00:15:18:01

Yeah, and I've definitely let go of that. It's like during the week, like right now I'm going to go to meditation group in the evening. Maybe I'll go for a climb, but like, I'm not trying to, I'm, you know, conserving my energy more. You're not like overextending yourself. Yeah, that makes sense for being in, like, a more happy, healthy.

00:15:18:02 - 00:15:46:10

Yeah. Place as well. Yeah. Do you all okay? Are you where you thought you'd be a year ago? And we were kind of chatting in the kitchen earlier and it's like, are you where you thought you'd be a year ago in your work? And are you where you thought you'd be a year ago? Like, mentally, I feel like I was kind of like leaning into this a little earlier, like work wise.

00:15:47:01 - 00:16:13:14

I am someone who is very much I've always worked for myself in some capacity and like very much defined my work by my work. Always been really hard on myself in that area. Um, so I think the work wise, like no, I'm not where I thought I would be a year ago, but I feel very much like I'm where I need to be right now.

00:16:13:19 - 00:16:47:22

And I feel like the flip side and the rootedness and feeling like I'm where I need to be right now is that like, I do feel so much better emotionally. I feel way less caught up. I feel like I still have a pattern of self criticism and pressure that I put on myself big time. But I am witnessing her and I'm watching her and I'm just kind of loving her instead of like believing all the truth.

00:16:47:22 - 00:17:35:10

She's trying to tell me that are eerily true. And I feel like for the first time in my life, I'm like really showing up every day. Like, I feel like I'm not spending my day caught in my head. I feel like I'm paying attention to what is happening a lot more. And I feel like that the listening that I have with myself right now, the more confidence and trust I have with myself, is like I am more able to surrender to the fact that, like I don't really have any control or knowing over where I'm going, but like, I know that I'm bringing this person here with me like this.

00:17:35:11 - 00:18:08:03

She's the one who's guiding me and I've got the trust in me. Yeah. And like, that's, that's enough. As somebody that also really identifies with, like, what you do for work measures your work there. Yeah. Like a little bit of mirror there working on that grizzly. What's the reason I'm asking this question is because I have a friend the like the other week who is just like, what do you like to do for fun.

00:18:08:07 - 00:18:27:13

Yeah. And I was like, Uh oh, I've had Will call me out on that so many times, like a couple of years. And I was like, I don't know, a few years ago I was like, What do you do for fun? And running with Mike doesn't count. Yeah, because I'm his dad. And I was like, Oh, and by the way, kind of like an offshoot with that.

00:18:27:13 - 00:19:02:03

Like what? Mm Who give me because this is something that I feel like helped me with that a little bit is who are you If you take your work away, I feel like asking the hard questions. Examine, but honestly, like I think the last two years I've really consciously been working on that. Like, you know, right now we're throwing I like really reclaimed this for myself.

00:19:02:03 - 00:19:31:21

Like I used to teach and sell my work. Like that was a big part of my livelihood for a long time. And like taking that one back for me, like this is a joy again versus like a work. I think it's hard because like, you know, with Connect wellness, teaching, yoga is such a part yoga and mindfulness is such a part of my work, but it's like my worldview.

00:19:31:22 - 00:20:08:04

So I can't really separate myself from that. But I feel like I've gotten better. You can be a potter without being a potter. You Exactly, Yeah. Or a yoga yogi without being a yoga instructor. Yeah. I feel like I've gotten better instead of like putting all the focus with meditation specifically on not always thinking about, like deepening to teach or relating it to teaching and giving in some way, but just like really letting it being about nourishing me and deepening in that area.

00:20:08:06 - 00:20:39:18

Yeah. And then I feel like honestly, the podcast I think has helped me explore other parts of myself, like getting really curious into herbalism and like spending. I've always loved running, but again, that can be like a pressure thing, especially if you're not. I feel like in a good place mentally back home, that can turn really quick into a negative cycle as well of like, you didn't do this yesterday even though it's like you're now at this point where you're doing it because it brings you joy.

00:20:39:19 - 00:21:17:14

You can be like, I said, I was going around three days a week and only ran two days a week. Yeah. And then just kind of you're you're taking away like, the joy part. Yeah. You know, it becomes homework. Yeah. And when you're saying joy, like, I feel like that's something I've, like really consciously work with this, this sounds like this is like I feel like such a sad or an Aquarius little thing here, but like, I have very consciously been working on being playful again because I feel like my, like natural state, like, you know, it's super goofy, super playful.

00:21:17:14 - 00:21:41:03

So but I can tell them what you just did. What did I just what do you just do in the kitchen? Oh, this is fun story. So I have a really cool allergy. You need something from me. In high school, I had gotten my first EpiPen, and when you get an EpiPen, they give you, like, a tester tip practice on.

00:21:41:17 - 00:22:08:01

So I thought it was really funny and really cool when I got my first EpiPen, met with Emma, so I was like, Hey, Emma, you want me to, like, pick you up and take you to whatever practice we had? It was Quidditch. I'm actually was Quidditch practice. I'm so sorry you have that. Meanwhile, Emma's like, trying to throw a pot on a wheel that we literally had to duct tape the button to down on because it wasn't working.

00:22:08:01 - 00:22:28:15

And she was just such a pro. So I got a new EpiPen and I had my tester on and I was like, Emma, can I get you like some chocolate and some tea? Yeah. So nice. So nice hear, because I'm so nice. And then I stabbed her with the tester EpiPen, just to get the freak out on her face.

00:22:28:15 - 00:22:47:03

I really was like a Disney Channel original movie. I feel like somebody should have. I think I scream at the top of my head. Yeah, you did. Because she also had the car doors. First of all, when she did is she looks at me with like a pure evil in her eyes and I'm like, What's going on? And then she just locks the door with like one eyebrow up.

00:22:47:03 - 00:23:09:01

She puts the child back on. And I'm like, Why are you Why the fuck the where are you mocking me in your car? And then she just pulls out her EpiPen and stabs it as hard as she can into my thigh. Now, I think you did a great job of really explaining to the people I didn't. This set up for the day, so I recreate it for her today because you're helping me grow and become playful.

00:23:09:04 - 00:23:31:02

And that's how you heal and that's how you help a friend. Yeah. Emma, I'm so glad that's the inner child that I pull out of. Yeah, it's. It's terrifying place for me. I mean, Austin's Asian, my brother, so, like, I have to have some of that in me. Yeah. Uh huh. So fine. Love it. But aside from just stabbing an EpiPen in you for a joy like, it is fun.

00:23:31:03 - 00:23:51:02

I know, I know it is fun. Fun. So fun for Holly. It's fun for Holly. But I really feel like being with you. Like when we visited you, literally, when Will and I went, the last episode we did with Emma being with you, it makes it so much easier for me to do things for me. Well, fake harm really does seem.

00:23:51:02 - 00:24:16:23

Really looks. I know you'll love me anyway, but I remember when we left you last year. Yeah, I was like, Oh, my gosh, Emma's so, like, playful and fun and confident and goofy and, like, I miss that in me. And it's been like, literally an intention I write down every day as a part of my affirmations. Like playful is a part of it, and it's like calling in that you remind me to play so I love that.

00:24:17:00 - 00:24:40:13

Thank you for that. Thank you, Joy. You bring me any anytime. It's not often I got to throw that back at you, though. Oh, yeah? Who do you think you are outside of work? Oh, I really had to. Like, I think it took a year. This was, like, kind of what we talked about in the last podcast, which was like when I stepped away from music.

00:24:40:18 - 00:25:05:10

It had been such a deeply, like, ingrained part of how I viewed myself, you know? So we kind of gone over that at the last one where it's, you know, it's kind of just being like also American, where I feel like I had like my friend Catarina, who was not you remember Catarina, who is not from the United States, and she would always be like so American that you guys always say what you do for work.

00:25:05:10 - 00:25:32:14

Yeah. Like in the first 3 minutes of meeting someone, like you ask their name, and you normally say like, I am ex. Yeah. Is like I work as I do. And then I think that also is hard because if you're someone who like honestly power to you, I have friends who are like, Yeah, I have this job and it sucks, but I just leave it and I come home and I get to go to concerts, I get to do this and like it's just pain for me to live my life the way that I want to.

00:25:32:14 - 00:25:51:07

And I was like, I was like, Wow, Yeah, that sounds so healthy. Good for you. It's a really cool juxtaposition, right? But then it also I feel like they feel really alienated when you have those conversations because they're like, Oh, I'm an accountant. But but I'm members are not my like, it's not the thing. I love this passionately thing about me.

00:25:51:07 - 00:26:08:09

Yeah. I'm most passionate about and they always kind of I feel like it's sometimes it can be veiled in a little bit of like embarrassment almost that they were like, where, You know, over here, I'm like, I followed my dream and it turns out it's really hard. And nobody told you that, you know, like, that's how it feels.

00:26:08:09 - 00:26:37:12

So I feel like it really took me like a year in COVID of just like, really going inward and like seeing who I am. And I feel like that kind of transitions into now like that thing we were talking about, which is like, like internal family systems was just, just like all of the different versions of yourself that you hold, you know, and like, we're the vessel and they can all exist simultaneously.

00:26:37:21 - 00:27:07:10

I'm learning that I don't have to choose was really important, you know, that I can and it's not be a lot. For a long time in my life, I really felt like almost not authentic because I feel like I can be kind of chameleon like in, like, whatever social scenario I am in, you know? Yeah. And so then being going home at the end of those interactions and being like, well, who am I?

00:27:07:10 - 00:27:27:11

You know, if I can, you know, jump in, in conversation with this group and then go meet up with this group and what does that mean that I am and now coming to like and understanding that those are all part of me. So I feel like, yeah, I feel like I'm playful and like that's like my my inner child and I'm trying to create more room for her.

00:27:27:11 - 00:28:01:00

And I'm also a bus ass businesswoman and I love to, like, go in and make deals, whether that's, you know, even just say, getting a good deal at Target or whatever. And I love to be outside and like honoring that pardon me, that like really enjoys nature, you know, that feels like no matter how stressed I am, I can go outside and I can look up at the sky and I can feel better and and just like accepting all of those different parts of me, You know something?

00:28:01:00 - 00:28:30:15

I was thinking about this morning even was like, I think I've carried like a level of shame that maybe like, around what I try doing this for work and it didn't work. Oh yeah, I doing that and it didn't work. And feeling shameful about, like, the old failures. Yeah, the failure thing and also like most, it takes a lot of vulnerability to put yourself out there in new ways.

00:28:30:15 - 00:28:54:15

But the thing I was just coming to is like, Yeah, you can't know what's right for you if you don't know it's wrong for you. And I was like, No, she's trying on a lot of different things in life and you should celebrate that. You tried that. You try How many people never try. Yeah. And how bought like I mean if you're someone who like I this is not been my experience so I'm not.

00:28:55:12 - 00:29:17:09

But if you're someone who like you just always known and you've done it and you've been able to grow in this one way and this one thing, and it really fills you up, like that's my power to you. I love it. For me, it's been like all these like right now really leaning into the podcast and really leaning in to writing in other elements of myself.

00:29:17:09 - 00:29:40:02

It's like it's because I've grown. Like I feel like I'm finally at a point where I and someone who is strong enough to honor her voice and want to be heard versus just wanting to be in the background, appeasing everyone, making sure everyone's comfortable and saying what I think they want to hear. So I just like can't. I've just was like taking a moment to celebrate.

00:29:40:02 - 00:30:03:18

Like, I'm proud of you for trying things on and like, maybe we're not done trying things on and that's great. Like, we don't we're still learning and growing. Like it would maybe be boring if you just were like, I hope you're never done trying things. Yeah, yeah. We're like an old ladies year still being like, I'm thinking about trying this too.

00:30:03:18 - 00:30:31:21

You know, I also Jada, my sister, who I did an episode on Creativity, when I put that episode in the show notes of Jade and David, maybe it was episode 25, but one year, I think it was last year or two years ago for my birthday, I might her birthday wish to me was, I hope that you discover a bunch of parts of yourself that you don't even know yet.

00:30:32:08 - 00:30:55:04

And I try to like remember that every year I was like, What parts of me but yet to be introduced to. Yeah, I actually when we were just talking about this, it reminded me of I don't remember what it was for, honestly, but Jada and David were like interviewing different artists. Like just to get a little blurbs, I think for like Instagram or something.

00:30:55:04 - 00:31:18:21

A really long time ago. And they interviewed me like just it was more of just like, here's a prompt respond with like a sentence kind of thing. I think I remember. Yeah. And yes, years and years ago we were in college, like maybe even freshman year of college, and it was about like taking that leap of faith into something that is like more of a creative endeavor, you know?

00:31:19:14 - 00:31:53:09

And I remember that my response was, well, I would and it was about like going to music school and, you know, deciding that I wanted to be a musician. And it was and my response was I would rather I would rather try and fail and never try at all. You know, I mean, the way that I've seen it, this is like the reason I ran a half marathon, because one day I got the idea like I was just getting into running and I was like, Maybe I should run.

00:31:53:14 - 00:32:09:22

Why not take it to the extreme I just started? So this pattern of me, I just started running. I'm like, What if I ran a half marathon? And then I was like, Oh, well, now you have to do that because if I don't, it's like I would be telling myself like I couldn't and I wasn't willing to try in some way.

00:32:09:23 - 00:32:29:13

Like I Yeah, they're just try and see how it goes, but also like, you know, balancing and not putting like the craziest amount of pressure on yourself is a good thing too. Yes, I think my half marathon days are done, but I also like love the I don't know. Yeah, it's good to try and push yourself and grow.

00:32:29:13 - 00:32:57:01

And it's also good to learn to listen. And I would say maybe we we we are learning to hit the brakes a little bit more after years of trying to challenge ourselves like to the extreme. I was sharing this in a meditation group the other day too, is like I feel like I've gotten like good at hitting the brakes, like I've gotten a lot better about it.

00:32:57:09 - 00:33:25:15

I am so much chiller with myself, my days are so much chiller like and there's space for that and I'm so grateful for it. But I still have that voice that comes in that's like, Have you chilled out too much now though? Like, what are you, what are you doing? What are you doing? And it's like, I think honoring that the voice can be wrong and right sometimes, like knowing how to listen to like when is it right and when is it wrong?

00:33:25:15 - 00:33:47:09

When is that just that pattern of criticism that I have still coming in? And then when is it like, Oh yeah, like maybe we could push a little more in this area or like, do this extra thing in a new way? What are what do you think are the physical cues for you of knowing that you're pushing too hard for me?

00:33:47:09 - 00:34:16:02

I mean, this is like, Oh, lucky, lucky one, but I got shingles in my right eye in college and I almost lost my eyesight. And when you get shingles, if you have it really bad, there is something called post herpetic neuralgia you get, which is like post shingles, pain. And even to this day, if I am really tired or really stressed, I feel that pain on the right side of my face.

00:34:16:15 - 00:34:44:12

Terrible give, terrible gift. And it's like it could come back. And I, you know, obviously don't want that because I probably would lose my eyesight. So when I if I feel that pain, it's like I hit the brakes. Now I think I have gotten better about noticing that. I will say will is really good about checking me like, Oh, so is Cam.

00:34:44:12 - 00:34:58:03

And he took my phone away from me the other day. Yeah, I will. Like the other day. He was like, like who could you possibly need to email at 930 at night? Good job, Cam. Thank you. Yeah, well, it will be like you just need to go lay down and take a nap right now. And I'm like, No.

00:34:58:03 - 00:35:29:01

And he's like, No, actually, you do like that. Having someone else is really key. But I think I notice, like, physically, if I feel anxious, I am probably pushing too much. I'm probably not taking care of all of myself in some way. Anxiety is a big one. Tightness of chest is something that relates to it. I think feeling cloudy in my head is something I notice a lot when I don't feel like clear and present.

00:35:29:01 - 00:35:54:00

It's normally because I'm not. I'm like clear and I'm not. Yeah, I'm not taking time to really be where I am. I think those are the main things. What about you? Well, you know, I've had hot girl IBS for a long time. Yeah, I grew a lot of. Yes. My old roommate Meredith coined that term. Forget hot girl.

00:35:54:00 - 00:36:20:09

Summer hot girl. I guess so. Yeah. I see my tummy has always been a pretty big like. What's up? What's up? You got a big day to day, you know. And then also, like, if I'm not doing well or I'm really like, overdo doing it, having a lot of, like, chest pain and uncomfortable ness in my stomach. For me, it's kind of like a three fold thing.

00:36:20:09 - 00:36:43:12

So it's like all of these things, which now that I know myself better, I'm realizing like these are things that it has all that I've always been there and I didn't have the knowledge or the voice to name them as things that are like the, the yellow flags that my body sending out when I'm not taking care of myself.

00:36:43:12 - 00:37:20:18

So it's stomach stuff. I would always get migraines, especially when I was like touring and stuff and stomach stuff, migraines and then like just randomly feeling noxious and like, gosh, yeah, when, when with food, it's like I could be starving and if I have to, like, I'll notice it even now, like if I have to go to like, a really fancy dinner or it's like some type of, like meeting or something like that, I'll be like, starving and walk and start eating.

00:37:20:18 - 00:37:43:00

About halfway through. I'm like, Am I good? And that is something that I have a couple of friends who deal with anxiety, who have that as a really similar symptom as well, which maybe that's still stomach stuff. But yeah, yeah, I'm now learning like I just always would jump to go to my doctor and be like, what's or especially Stephen and be like, What's what is this?

00:37:43:00 - 00:38:12:21

What's causing this? What's wrong with me? And then you go through the ringer of what is the American medical system and health care system and getting passed around from specialist to specialist. And now kind of as an adult, I'm realizing like, what if this was just anxiety and nobody could see the like, full picture here instead and now learning to tune into those and be like, maybe, maybe I need to just slow down.

00:38:12:21 - 00:38:33:09

Maybe this is my body trying to signal something to me that was that's really similar to my experience growing up. Like I shared in the first episode of this podcast, just that like as a kid, I always had really bad stomach pains. It was like a routine, like I would vomit all the time. I would call it her old vomit.

00:38:35:18 - 00:38:54:18

Like it was literally like a routine. I would wake up in the middle of the night, wake up from sleeping to puke, and Jada would be like, Mom, dad, she's doing it. And it was like a routine. No one was stressed about it. We all knew the drill. Yeah. And I, you know, went to so many doctors, tried so many things for so long.

00:38:54:18 - 00:39:20:02

And I think once a doctor asked me, like, if I felt nervous and that was the first time I was like, maybe there's something else going on here. Yeah, the one the one good doctor, One good doctor. But, you know, again, we didn't have language for at the time. We didn't really deal with it at the time. I don't think until my adult life did I acknowledge like, oh, a lot of that stomach pain growing up was that was the anxiety monster.

00:39:20:07 - 00:39:50:04

Yeah, I feel like it's really interesting how you can have these things kind of going on your whole life. And it's not until because it's with experience, like I feel like I'm realizing now where I'm like, Oh, you know, in our last podcast we were talking about like how I was had kind of stepped away from music in general because I wasn't doing well mentally and trying to like take some time and pause and reflect on how that that was affecting my mental health.

00:39:51:05 - 00:40:27:16

Well, recently I've been like talking to my therapist and was realizing, Oh, I'm having all of the same things happen and I'm no longer even I'm no longer, you know, actively touring or doing any of those things that I was pointing my finger at and blaming and was like, Oh, I'm the problem. It's not what I'm doing, it's how I'm pushing myself to that extreme and trying to not pay attention to all of these little signals that we're talking about with our bodies, you know?

00:40:27:19 - 00:40:56:04

Yeah, I feel like that's such a relatable one. And like, I think that's something my meditation practice has helped me a lot with. And I honestly think like the first episode I did of this podcast has helped me out this because I've had those moments where I'm like, Oh, like Mean Girl soundtrack is real loud in my head right now about this and another.

00:40:56:04 - 00:41:14:03

And then I listen back to that episode of like, what were the intentions of why I started this and how I want to move through this? And that's like the check in and I find my practice to be like a space where it's like, Oh, the soundtrack is on again. That's interesting. Like, let's watch it for a minute.

00:41:14:03 - 00:41:44:00

Like, now what does she need? Does she need like a hug? How can we meet her differently? And not give her don't let her like take the, you know, take the car off the road like. Yeah. And yeah. And of course, can we check in with how we want to be as we're moving through this? And you, you kind of explained like you started this to move through slowly and compassionately.

00:41:44:03 - 00:42:13:05

And do you still feel like you're on track with that? It seems like the podcast has, If anything, like brought you more in tune with that. Do you feel like it's your same par for the course? I am a human So like in almost confession. Yeah in all moments. No. Like there are the days where I have that soundtrack of criticism and I'm like oh, I like wanted, I want it now.

00:42:13:05 - 00:42:59:15

But then there is that hard self work I've been working on in strengthening that muscle of like, I see that and like, here's the way, here's what we're dedicated to now, here's the way we want to move through it. And I think I make I do feel like I'm rooted in that at a very core level, and I think I'm more able to recognize when I fall off course and bring it back and acknowledging like, you know, everything's a double edged sword if you're going to choose to move slow and be present in your life and not push yourself and fall into that grind culture, like, yeah, like, say you're working 9 to 5, maybe you don't get that promotion or say you have a podcast, maybe it doesn't grow as quick as you think. You have to weigh that. You have to weigh that and for me, I feel like I have a lot of trust in myself and I want to be really present right now so that when so that I'm present for now, right, that's enough.

00:43:24:02 - 00:43:45:08

And so that I do trust that things will grow. It's not going to look like my timeline. And when they do, I feel, again, authentic and rooted. When I land there and ready instead of like getting there and feeling like it doesn't feel like me or offer burnt out and not able to to live it, I want to like so real.

00:43:45:08 - 00:44:06:07

Yeah, I think we were at a woman's circle the other night and someone said, like, if it's not for me, take it from me. And that has like really resonated with me. Like, I want to show up as fully and authentically as me. And then if it's not for me, then take it. I don't want it. Yeah, like, even if I think I want it.

00:44:06:07 - 00:44:31:16

Yeah. Give me what I really need. I had a professor who used to say, and I think now I'm realizing as we're talking about mental health, where he was like, and just like working, you know, appropriately, but he was like, it's a shame to be prepared and never get the call. It's a travesty to get the call and not be prepared.

00:44:31:19 - 00:45:15:10

That's a beautiful yeah, I didn't really like him, but I liked that. I love that. Yeah. I'm not really obviously is stuck with me all these years because he was really, you know, talking about it like in the in the musical sense of like, you know, practicing your instrument and everything. But I feel like that that has changed for me in like I remember there were times when I was just not taking care of myself and the pressure and the anxiety was getting to high and I was barely making it there and barely getting onstage and not fully like relishing the experience because I had gotten the call.

00:45:15:10 - 00:45:52:09

But I wasn't all there. You know, I think that happens to so many people. Like you might get to the top of that mountain you've been climbing, but you're also going to I want this hyperventilate in the closet. So yeah. Or it just doesn't feel how you it doesn't fill that void maybe you find a fill and it's cool to see like the younger generations being like, you guys are idiots, you know, like the eighties, the nineties, it's over like this, this pushing yourself, working these absolutely bonkers amount of hours a week.

00:45:52:09 - 00:46:20:19

Wall Street greed is good Yeah. Does not leave a happier fulfilled person at the end of their life and you might have a really beautiful home but who says you can't have both, you know, or just you find a balance. Like a balance and yeah, like what's going to bring you that truest joy is in a bigger house or is it like a little bit smaller one that you get to actually be inside?

00:46:20:20 - 00:46:46:08

Right, Right. What do you think you could tell like the people that are listening? Are there things with your own experience? Are there things that you do to bring yourself back when you're starting to get to one of those points? Is there like a breathing exercise you do? Is there a day to day activity? Is there something that you could offer that maybe could help somebody else?

00:46:46:09 - 00:47:27:03

Yeah. Or me? Yeah, I honestly for me, I it's all about routine like I do. Yeah. I mean, I've talked about it before and then the podcast, like my morning routine is sacred, highly time sacred and it's allowed to change to, like I would say this past year I have really deepened my morning meditation practice. I used to do it like laying in bed for 10 minutes with some coffee, and that's great if that's where you're at.

00:47:29:07 - 00:47:48:21

And I've been in a place now where it's been more, you know, I don't drink caffeine anymore. Yeah, coffee anymore. And it's been like, how's that? Oh, so the people want to know. The people want to. The people want to know, Are you okay? I am doing very well. I mean, I had a matcha today because I wanted one and it was great.

00:47:49:05 - 00:48:10:23

But I highly advise. Something that has helped me a lot in the last year is trying things and taking them away and then trying them again and taking them away. It's called experimentation. Like you have a baseline, you try something new, you come back to feel what works and doesn't work. And that's a big part of why I don't really drink anymore.

00:48:11:08 - 00:48:35:13

Why I don't drink caffeine anymore is because I've spent time trying things, noticing how it makes me feel, and then like taking it away and back and forth. And now I can tell the difference is in my body and my mind. So I definitely recommend like pay attention to what you consume and how you consume it and don't be worried.

00:48:35:21 - 00:48:55:17

Yeah. And y and don't be afraid to take things away and then invite them back in and then take them away again to tell the difference. Right. Like it takes time to get to know yourself and what works for you and what doesn't. But I will say, like my my meditation practice is the foundation of bringing me back when I fall off course.

00:48:56:01 - 00:49:20:01

Meditation and self-compassion. So when I notice myself on a bad day, if it's a really bad day, nine times out of ten, first of all, I think this is like the most important thing is halt. And it's you ask yourself, Are you hungry? Are you angry, Are you lonely? Are you tired? Nine times out of ten, it's one of those Yeah, tired and hungry is feeling into an adult toddler.

00:49:20:01 - 00:49:58:01

And I'm really tired. I turn into a monster when I'm hungry. Meet that need, right? Like give yourself, give your body. Meet your basic needs first take a nap, do that thing and then really, I think my practice over the last year has become a lot about witnessing the discomfort that's there and not feeling like I need to push it away, not feeling like I need to run away from it, not feeling like I even need to do anything in that moment to change it, but rather just like being with like, oh, like this is the uncomfortable moment right now.

00:49:58:08 - 00:50:29:03

I see what's happening right now and then bringing like presence and compassion to it. Presence and love to it, asking it what it needs and meeting that need, letting it be seen, letting it be seen, letting her be her loving. That part of yourself, too. And just like you said, like with those internal family systems, it's like if I just try to shut you away, you're just going to scream louder and like I I'm not really loving myself if I deny that part of me.

00:50:29:12 - 00:50:54:16

So. Right. Just being really willing to be with all of me. Yeah. But really, for me, it's like checking in. Did I fall off my routine? Do I need tonight to get in a row, eat some chocolate, go to bed early? That's the goal. And. Yeah, Yeah. What about you? I feel like most of the time it's. I'm tired.

00:50:54:16 - 00:51:25:15

Yeah, I'm overworked. I haven't given my. My brain at that point is gone into overdrive from the amount of work where I start to really notice, like I'm waking up and the first thing I'm thinking about is the giant list of things that I didn't get done yesterday or the things I need to get done today. And that's about rest too, because I'm not allowing my like, mental state to rest.

00:51:25:15 - 00:51:58:14

Right? And that was kind of like what we have talked about in the past where you kind of gave me this really great advice, where maybe you need is if you're self-employed, you need to take off two consecutive days because one day can sometimes not even be enough to get your brain to stop moving at the pace that honestly, a lot of times you have to run if you're running your own business, you know, And like I feel like for me it's really that's been my biggest battle is like learning physical rest.

00:51:58:19 - 00:52:33:22

But even more so like mental rest and how to not bring my work home when my literal workstation is also in my house, you know, And trying to create those boundaries for myself is something that I'm just recently I've kind of come to realize and slowing down and realizing, taking the time for myself to get outside because like I was saying, I just really kind of everything seems not as bad.

00:52:33:22 - 00:52:59:06

If I can go for a walk real and not as bad if I can get my hands dirty for a little bit or not as bad, if I can laugh and create the time to do that with and be silly. Cause that's like honoring who I am, you know? And I feel like it's typically just like rest and restoring and making the time for that.

00:52:59:16 - 00:53:25:16

Mm hmm. What do you think about that, Luna? Luna? We have a cute little puppy dog for everybody that is covered in water. Yeah, that's just coming up to taste some clay. Yeah, she loves it. Yeah, I love that, though. I think that's really good advice of stopping that. Often when you like, are trying to let go of a pattern or something hard, you got to replace it with something else.

00:53:25:16 - 00:53:42:18

So like noticing my mind isn't turning off right now, but if I just tell my mind to stop, it's probably not going to. So if I can give her something else to focus on now, it doesn't just stop when I tell it. Yeah, it's wild how it really turns on more when you do that, you know, like, Yeah.

00:53:42:18 - 00:54:17:08

And I, I've also found talking to myself out loud helps. Oh, that's true. I think that's why I write because it's like and I have a really hard time with sticking with like a journal routine in the morning. But I've really noticed if, if those thoughts are getting really loud and really fast, like verbally instructing myself that like, right when I wake up, you have nowhere to be and no one to answer to in this moment.

00:54:17:08 - 00:54:43:19

So just calm yourself at this moment. And that seems to be a helpful thing. And then my boyfriend's like, Who are you talking to? You're like, Don't worry about it myself. You love her too. It's fine. Yeah. So I feel like that's been a new and fun thing that I've picked up on. But so as we go into this next year, it's kind of cool that we're doing this around this time of year.

00:54:43:19 - 00:55:42:18

Yeah, it's kind of like it's not like the New Year, but that everything is really logical. New Year brings spring into bloom. What is it that I guess, what do you want to do? What do you want your intention to be? How do you want to feel as you move through this next year? Mm I my, I would say I'd give myself an intention for this time, maybe not like the entire year, but I would say right now my intention is to do things that bring me happiness and joy or will bring me happiness and joy because you can do hard things but don't feel joyful.

00:55:42:18 - 00:56:10:22

Yes, that'll help you get there, especially if you're experiencing depression in a low place. Like what you want to do is going to make you feel better. But yeah, choosing things that are going to set me up for joy and happiness and more of that time to rest and restore and find those moments in my day to day life I think is my biggest focus right now.

00:56:10:23 - 00:56:42:14

Going for that walk, even if it's at 8 a.m. before I start my workday, turning my phone off at 6 p.m. because it can wait. It doesn't have to happen right now. I'm like an I. It's art. Like what? It's not What timeline could you possibly be on? You know? Exactly. And I think that that's just like part of the culture too and learning to be like I, I will respond to you when I am in the space to work.

00:56:42:14 - 00:57:21:17

And right now I'm not. So I think creating that boundary that and focusing on what's going to bring me joy and happiness in the long run and in my day to day life is what I'm going to try to move forward and focus on. Yeah, and that can be hard stuff too, but very much. What about you? I think mine right now is I'm really noticing my pattern and continuing to notice them and fill them with presence and love.

00:57:21:23 - 00:57:53:09

That's like a huge focus. Just noticing these patterns not over identifying with them. Continue in that work. And I think a lot of what my intention is is continuing to step into my voice and confidence in myself and putting that out there. And I am someone who loves to get things done and check off the box. And this is like something well, has always been like, but what if you slowed down and refined it just a little bit?

00:57:53:09 - 00:58:26:11

And I'm like, No, that's suppressing me. Yeah. But I think I finally feel like she is worthy enough of it can wait and we can slow down and take a little time to grow a little more and refine a little more and put out there what feels most authentic and powerful. So I think that a lot of the themes that have existed before, but a lot of like loving myself enough to put in a little bit harder work in a soft way.

00:58:26:11 - 00:58:45:16

Yeah. And trusting myself and my voice and letting it be heard and not being afraid to ask for that. Yeah, I love that. I love you. I love you and I love Luna. I me, we love Luna, we love pottery. This is literally a dream. And I hope I get to grow with you for the rest of my life.

00:58:46:03 - 00:59:14:21

You hope you will. So I'm a little. It wasn't really. The response I was expecting was like, your face is a maybe. Like, what are you talking about? What do you mean, something happening? I was just saying something sweet. Say yes. Yes. Okay. Okay. Yes. I love you too. How the wise one goes to to to Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to how the wise one grows today.

00:59:16:02 - 00:59:37:12

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00:59:38:20 - 00:59:58:19

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00:59:59:06 - 01:00:07:21

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